So my mind is wandering again - as it often does, now fuelled by random chemicals and bizarre liquids I am injecting into myself at will...or against it, more like.
I must say so much of the anxiety about the unknown has disappeared somewhat because we have been here, we have done this before. Already, we have totally stressed ourselves out at what Jay will call each of his two mums, what we will put on the birth certificate, how we will explain the lack of a father in his life and what people/teachers/checkout chicks will say or think about us. (Not that that means we have a cookie cutter we can apply to each child we have: he/she/peanut will be her own person, I know that...but a lot of the fears are dulled a bit now, thanks to experience).
The fact is there is very little point freaking out about the details. For one, life always works itself out, I don't care what you say. There is also no point whatsoever losing sleep over things you cannot control: what other people think or how our kids may or may not "cope" in life.
Yes, that is always a worry for any parent, but frankly, you just do your best - some days, it's enough, others, it's nowhere even close.
Parenting is an endlessly undulating mountain climb - those highs will take your breath away, and the lows will have you shivering and depressed in a matter of seconds. And unlike Edmund Hilary and his compadres, there are not days between those extremes - they happen within minutes.
I walked in the door from work tonight and T's first words were "I am about to kill him, take him now".
Cue a butter-wouldn't-melt look in his eyes as his favourite ally (me) scooped him up in my arms. We took the dog for a walk and apart from nearly being lifted off the ground by mozzies, he was a dream and it was great. A lovely moment, completely at odds with what T had just experienced.
Needless to say, we left her home - rocking in the corner - while we went for a walk. Space. Space.
I honestly believe our Everest is simply providing a safe, happy and enriching environment for our kids. With any luck, that love will envelop them like a shield and go some way to protecting them from any bullshit the world feels like slinging on any given day.
We'll get there.
Meanwhile, in other news, I have been trying to spruik my blog around town and just fired a PR scattergun at every IVF support group I could find in a frenzied 20-minute Googling session yesterday.
Anyway, a few have been supportive - thank you, kind strangers!, but this one reply stopped me in my tracks.
I best not say who it was from, but the gist of it was that this particular group actually lobbies for "an end to the use of anonymous donors" and as my blog seems to imply that using anonymous donor sperm is okay, they cannot come on board with the whole blog promotion thing.
Fair enough, and it wasn't nastily written at all...in fact, they were almost apologetic.
But it made me think that the fact is there is no such thing as an anonymous donor anymore. When J or our next bub is 18, they will have every right in the world to track down their donors and say g'day, chat over Skype or shake hands in person...whatever. And we will support them in that.
Yes, it will probably sting a little in our hearts if that volition even surfaces...but I completely understand it. Completely.
God, what an interesting ride this is.