Diabetics and druggies, my hat is off to you

Oh my Lord I had to inject myself for the first time this morning and it was up there with the most confronting thing I have ever done!

I did it as soon as I woke up - deliberately - so I was groggy, but hopefully not too groggy that I accidentally stuck the needle in my big toe. Eeek. Eeuuw.

So I tried to be all business like and fast and pop the new needle in the top of the epi-pen thing, and dial up the dose and get the alcowipe to sterilise the skin (not necessary according to doc, but I feel it is imperative, if only for reasons of ritual and delaying the inevitable).

So it was ready in microseconds and there I stood with needle gripped in hand, pointing it at my belly. I tried to continue in the quick business-like manner I had adopted until then, but I only succeeded in gritting my teeth, holding my breath, bracing for the jab and forcing my arm to retract and then jerk towards my body - the problem was I automatically stopped about 1 millimetre short of the skin.

It's not normal!! I may as well have opened the second kitchen drawer, removed a paring knife and thrust it into my stomach. Eeuuw, stop it! Brrrraarrrghghgh!

Anyway, some bizarre emotion took over and I succeeded in actually inserting the needle pretty soon after. I think it was such an issue because for every needle I have ever received in my life, I have looked AWAY. Who wants to see that? No one wants to see that. This time however, and for the next 10 days, I will have to stare it down!

I must admit it did not hurt really at all - the needle is quite fine, thank god. But the concept is incredibly hard to get my head around.

Apart from that all is going well...I could sleep for seven days straight, but all else ok. It's the mental stuff that really occupies your mind - I know, where else would it be...but I often drift off and think about what we are actually doing and start feeling anxious, wondering if I am ready, how my body will respond to these strange potions going up my nose and into my bloodstream and how I will deal with any unexpected hurdles along the way.

We have been told ICSI carries a 60-70% succcess rate...but I almost feel like pregancy should just happen to someone in my kind of position, using that process. There are no true fertility issues here, no weak sperm, no under-performing ovaries (at least I don't think so). So, on some days that feels almost like a pressure - as in, there is no excuse not to fall pregant first go, like T did. It should be guaranteed. But it's not that black and white, I know.

Hmm, anyway, bed time for me.

***Must remember to post some pics of the syringe and needle tomorrow morning for you. Stay tuned.