I started reading bits of What To Expect When You're Expecting and thank you Heidi whatever-your-name-is for writing in your introduction how common a perpetual state of worry is for a pregnant, or possibly-pregnant, women.
I am a worrier by nature anyway - to the point of neuroses, truly frightening visions and black thoughts, actually, but that's another therapy session.
So, add a pregancy into the cauldron of concern...then make it one that won't be certain until another seven days...and I can pretty much slice cheese with the furrows in my brow.
Mostly I worry that I don't feel anything at all right now. I read something that said morning sickness doesn't normally start until the sixth or seventh week, so that ruled out being temporarily overjoyed at vomiting the other day. Sadly, it was merely gastro...
I swear sometimes I have felt a slight twinge low in my belly, down on my left side. I've felt it about six times so far, and it's not like a pain or anything, but I am convinced it is the embryo planting its suckers into the lining of the uterus and latching on for dear life! Ha, wishful thinking.
I also read something that the embryo floats around for about four days before actually attaching...what a bizarre thought. Is it scared, worried where the hell it is and if its not-yet-formed feet will ever touch solid "ground"?
It's probably having a great time...like going on a last-fling cruise before settling down: literally.
I worry that it's already been absorbed away into nothingness, like the second emrbyo that was implanted into T alongside Jay did.
T felt nothing...it was a tiny speck of cells that simply stopped...being.
What if that's happened already? And what if that's why I feel as normal as I've always felt?
Now, that sort of talk is DEFINITELY NOT helping - but it clouds my mind sometimes. Lots of times.
I put my hand on my belly when I'm alone and try to feel a connection with that little bunch of cells...my little bunch of cells, our little embie.
Sometimes I have a wave of maternal warmth wash over me. Other times, it's like calling out to no one in a cold, empty church...
I keep trying to focus on the thought in the back of my mind that I will look back at this time and laugh at how ridiculous I was, worrying so much.
But you show me a parent who doesn't worry and I'll show you a Catholic priest officiating at a same-sex wedding...with Tony Abbott as best man!