Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Random musing #1

Um, hello.
So, like the blog equivalent of elevator muzak, I thought I would create a little linguistic waiting music of my own - to pass the time while we wait for somethiing IVF-y to happen.
How do I plan on doing that? Well, I'm glad you asked.
With some random musings, tonight about public toilets.
I must preface this by saying I am someone who spends too much time stressing about how many people have touched those ATM buttons, or that door handle or this petrol pump ... honestly I am not a germophobe (my three-second rule can sometimes blow out to, like, 10), but society has to have limits when it comes to yuckiness. Surely that is a UN law or something.

Toilets are on my mind today because I heard someone exit a cubicle of the work loos - and then walk straight out the door! Gone. No bypass trip to the basin, no tell-tale sound of running water or the squeak squeak of the soap dispensing its wonderful cleansing goodness or the satisfying rip of paper towel signifying a final ADIOS to those invisible bottom nasties - NOTHING!

It was all I could to to stifle the rising bile in my throat.

Why do people do that?? Once the incredulity had passed, relief took over and I thanked my lucky stars that I had made the choice many years ago to use said paper towel to open the main toilet door after I washed my hands. Sure some people look at me funny, but I won't be the one with gangrene, tinea and septicemic diarrhoea, ok?

You know what else just freaks me out? Those draught horse women. Have you heard of them? Are you one of them?

You are at the basin having done your thing and you are washing your hands (like NORMAL people) and someone comes in to go. They look nice, presentable, they might have great shoes or a fabulous bag or really shiny hair - "very elegant", you think. Then she disappears behind the cubicle door, the lock slides closed and before you know it, your ears are assaulted and you think 15 elephants are peeing into one tea cup. At once. You try to fight the instinct to run, because you fear the bowl is sure to overflow at any time, given the intensity of the stream; but you are somehow stuck still to the spot. Looking. Waiting. Watching those beautifully-shoed feet and waiting for the spillage to come bubbling out from under the door!

My other favourite game to play at work, where there are three cubicles in a row, is Toilet Block Stealth. You can't play it every time you are in there, because timing is crucial. Basically it can only happen if you are already in a cubicle, hidden, secret and unknown. The action really heats up if someone else walks in while you are sitting down. Then, the race is on to get out of the loo - properly, hands washed and everything - BEFORE the other person does.

Because you just know they are in there going "I wonder who that is, right next to me? Can I see their shoes? I can see the very edge of them, they look like Sally's. Is it Sally? Oh well, I will see her when I finish. We can have a good old catch-up". UH-UH - NO YOU CAN'T! I am GONE in a flash, and you will NEVER know. Mwoo-ha-ha.

Toilet Block Stealth.

And then there is the game we all play - each of us, once a month. It's called Let's Pretend I am Coughing Loudly Instead of Unwrapping a Tampon. Actually, I don't cough, I wait until someone flushes or turns the taps on and then rip the damn thing open in a dizzying blur of sound and motion. I have got it down to about 2.7 seconds. Some days I wish it was an Olympic sport because I know I could have a good crack at gold. Haha.
Why do we do that? Why? We're adults, we know we all get our period, it's not embarrassing.
But bigger than that question is this one: why in God's name are those things wrapped in such noisy packaging? And pads? Do NOT get me started? Let's have not one, not two, not three, but FOUR separate pieces of packaging you have to remove before you can use them - counting the outer wrap and the three labell-y things that cover the middle bit and the wings - you've got to have wings.
And that's just OPENING the damn things. I do not need to go into details about the ball-tearing sound they make when being removed from your knickers.

I'll tell you who designed them...the same person who designed choc top wrappers and the bags all the lollies at the movies come in.

A man.


  1. PMSL YES!
    That ball-tearing sound the pads make really sounds like someone is giving themselves a homemade Brazilian in the work latrines between office meetings ;)

  2. Ha ha HA! YES! Genius. All of this. Especially the draught horse bit. Oh lordy, how does that sound HAPPEN?

    (Do you know, even more disturbing, at my place of business there is someone with, well, an impossibly large anal sphincter diameter. So large that THREE times now, I have stumbled upon a giant, unflushable turd lingering in the bowl. It's horrifying and revolting and yet bizarrely fascinating. How on earth did it get out at that... erm... girth?)