I will make this quick as I need to rummage through that dusty top shelf in my cupboard for the box that contains my birth certificate.
I just want to verify my middle name, because I am sure as sure that it is "worry".
Actually, that's not true. It would be my first name. Easily.
That's not true either, I just needed an excuse to use the word rummage, so came up with that whole birth certificate ruse. And I like how rummage leads to ruse and, surely then, ruin? We'll save word association for the day the psychiatrist runs out of Rohrschach butterflies.
Last Thursday evening I went to the toilet. Nothing unusual about that, except there was a little (I so hate this word) discharge left behind and it was light browny coloured. Sorry if you're squeamish...I am just getting warmed up here.
Instantly I thought that was my little embryo floating in the toilet bowl. It's amazing how irrational you get when you panic. I am not sure of its exact size, but I am pretty sure it is miniscule...and not as big as the thing I saw in the loo that day.
I spoke to mum who thankfully matter-of-factly told me that it should be alright, and if it wasn't, my period would show up as an indicator.
Since then, no period. Fine. I can breathe again and almost forget to worry. What a state of bliss that was! Shiny kitten all round!
This afternoon I went to the toilet. (I go a lot, alright? Here I was thinking I had to have an eight-month-old baby pressing on my bladder before I got the constant loo trips, but apparently no.) There was a small amount of browny blood on my knickers.
Plus all afternoon I have had very mild cramps...like the cramps I felt days before I did the pregnancy test (implantation cramps?). It's like a tautness...like there's a considerable build-up of, excuse me, Gassius Clay (gas) in your gut that just has to find sanctuary outside of your body.
So, cramps and spotting. Surely that's not good. Together? But they have both been light, so I am loathe to overreact.
A small part of me feels something could be wrong, but it's so hypothetical. Am I just fretting too much where a fret is not necessary? And through it all, I know I could ring every woman on earth and ask them about their pregnancies - yes it would be a logistical nightmare, but my neuroses make me incredibly thorough - and each one would tell me something different. So, ladies, fat lot of help you would be!
I am fine now, hours later, and there is only the slightest light brown (almost non-existent) still there. The cramps are almost gone too.
I wish the worry would as well!