I have been thinking a lot this week about transitions.
The chew-your-nails-off-with-terror transition that signifies the progression of labour from the, I believe, comparitively quite tranquil first stage, to the second (IE: the part where vulnerability, pain and anxiety are at their peak, all the while the alien being inside you claws, rips and tears its way out of a tiny hole in your genital regions).
I am really quite frightened about that. Because it is so unknown. I cannot micro-manage that...because I do not know what hormone-induced emotions will surface, nor how they will manifest physically.
I never forget the woman in a reality birth documentary series on TV who was so zen about her meditative birthing experience. She had her support person whispering mantras to spirit the pain away during contractions, whales moaned via loudpeaker in the background and she looked very stoic as she closed her eyes while the muscles peformed their inevitable, automatic clench. Occasionally, her lips would purse, but it was the only giveaway that things were not completely normal and fine inside her skin.
Some edits later and Regan from The Exorcist had replaced zen woman. She was bellowing and writhing and sporting wild, white eyes of panic as she yelled abuse and orders to her clearly-rattled support people. It was terrifying.
Will that be me?
I am also anxious about the transition I will undergo from working professional to stay at home mum.
That thing that has own its own acronym: SAHM.
OMG.
I have been working full-time as a journalist since 1996. For five days a week, sometimes more, that is what I have been.
Hard-working, sensible, professional, thorough, doing my job. A job I became qualified for after three years at university.
I go to work and I have full knowledge of what the day will bring in terms of what is expected of me, what I need to achieve to feel fulfilled and ensure my job is done properly. It is very satisfying.
I am about to switch, not only jobs, but entire careers, mindsets, time zones, body clocks, routines and physiological functions.
I am about to become a new person with a new, incredibly important job. A job that does not come with a degree or any opportunity for pre-preparedness study.
It is scary to think about. But then, of course, we went through the same thing before J was born.
And we muddled through.
It’s what most rational, sane, adult people do.
I just wonder how rational and sane you can really be at 2am when you haven’t slept for three days and your baby is screaming for no apparent reason.
We are now down to seeing our OBGYN weekly, the baby’s room is set and ready to go and our ante-natal classes finish this week.
It feels like the end of things, the tying up of loose strings.
It’s incredibly exciting but also bloody daunting.
Our lives are about to change forever.
Intellectually, I know they will change for the better. Of course.
But I wonder how much of me will mourn the loss of the life we lived before.
Bec I can understand all of the trepidation and uncertainty of how you will cope with all of these new things before you, all these things you have not experienced before and how you will handle them. How daunted you are with what holds before you. I see, hear and can understand all of that very much. BUT I am going to bring it down to a couple of points though. 1. Yes you are GREAT efficient and great at your job- hands down
ReplyDeleteYou put everything you have into your job and are very focused on that, but Bec when you are involved in something you DO give it EVERYTHING you have got. Ok maybe this is going to be 1. Point. You had no concrete idea what was going to happen every scary uncertain terrifying,second of this pregnancy and look at how well you have coped and gone through and made it through all of these key transitional points.Yes you had your ups and downs but thats natural. But have done and are doing great! YOU WILL DO THE SAME and be great at it, even when your up day and night questioning everything your still doing it right. Thats all a part of it all a part of being a good mum and you are and will be again when this beautiful girl decides to grace us with her presence into a world where love resides in a strong and beautiful lovingly bonded family, how better and luckier could she be; she couldnt. I cant say dont stress, huh! yeah right, its like you looking at my horrid grammer and picking at that. As you have carrying this little girl and before, take each moment as it comes, breathe through it, take each piece as it comes and enjoy as much of it as you can. Time passes so quickly, just know your human Bec, but you are a beautiful person and Mum and only natural with every thought that enters your head, even when you think your probably the first, your not. I send you all the tranquility I can, but I know you are already very capable and have what you need to get you through all of this; cant wait to welcome the new addition. Thinking of you all Love T & K xxoo