Five things I don’t understand

1. Street lights.
Why they go off when you walk under them. Often. And right at that exact moment as you walk into the light they emit.
And it doesn’t just happen once, to be so inconsequential that you don’t even notice it or give it another thought.
It happens in waves of moments, like eight times in a week.
It serves no purpose whatsoever other than to freak the shit out of you and have you dreaming for weeks that the cursed evil god of fate has sent you a clear message that you will meet a gruesome death because the light was evidently a symbol of your life force. A life force that is now snuffed out.
Also, why are some of them never turned off? We have two just up the road from our house and no matter what time of day or night we drive past, they are on.
Every time I remind myself that I must call the electricity company, remembering a scheme where you could get paid (some ridiculous amount, but it was free money from the government) if you dobbed in a faulty street light.
Unfortunately, three seconds later, I am that goldfish in a bowl and the reminder is gone. Oh look, a light. (Swim, swim, swim)
Oh look, a light. (Swim, swim, swim) Hey, where did that light come from? (Swim, swim, swim)

2. Bogan ute adornment
I was driving to work the other day and I sat behind an ordinary ute that was made disgustingly extraordinary with the addition of two embellishments.
One was a delightful sticker across the base of the rear window that proclaimed the vehicle in front of me to be a “uterus”; and the other was a novelty scrotum, moulded out of shiny stainless steel and dangling from the undercarriage.
They are apparently called Truck Nutz.
I have nothing to say about that.
Back to the ute: here was a very hermaphroditic vehicle lumbering along the bitumen before me – one with a uterus and a set of testicles.
No confusing the human variety of the driver I caught a glimpse of as I drove past: genuine, bona fide ranga bogan neanderthal and I would willingly stake my life on the fact that he himself has neither a uterus, or indeed a set of balls that big.
Keep on compensating, partner...


3. Who the shit was Jack Russell and why a dog was named after him?
Ok, so Google can help correct this horrendous gap in my knowledge, but really. Apparently the esteemed Mr Russell spotted a “little white terrier bitch” while a student at Oxford in early 19th century Britain. He “bought the bitch on the spot” – surely no funnier words have been written – and she became the “foundation bitch” – ok, they are the funniest – of a line of fox hunting terriers that would eventually come to be known as Jack Russells.


4. Why there is not a pepper grinder on God’s green earth that works/lasts
Basically you can interchange pepper grinder with just about any manufactured product in these consumerist, disposable days. They do not make things to last anymore and I for one am not going to take it any more!
We have gone through about 17,267 in my lifetime alone. They either fall apart, work for a week and then freeze up, refuse to deliver any pepper at all, or when they do, it is either so fine that it is an invisible pepper mist or it is so coarse that you may as well bounce a teaspoon of whole peppercorns on your dinner while throwing the blasted thing at the dog.

5. Why your clothes don’t fit anymore
Ok, so barring major weight gain, why do tops that sat below your ass five years ago now could be worn as crop tops barely covering your boobs?
I blame point four – they don’t make things like they used to. So all our clothes are being made of cheap cotton in cheap overseas factories that essentially shrink as they age.
Humans on the other hand, do a simultaneous expand with age. Depending on genetics, this expansion can happen either up or down.
And while I don’t think I have stacked on much more weight than my 20s, my torso has seriously lengthened.
I shudder to think what I will look like in my 50s. Maybe something like this...


We will resume normal IVF programming in a few weeks. Thank you for your patience.