For months I have had a small white piece of paper sitting snugly in my purse.
It has been there since we met our interesting new IVF doctor Dr Hynes to discuss the what-next details.
This is what it says:
Phone Hynes secretary (Barbara) about day 5 or 6. “See JH day 11 or 12 for scan/blood”
I particularly like his use of inverted commas to signify speech, as in my speech, when talking to Barbara on the phone.
I am seriously considering actually saying those words verbatim when Barbara takes my call.
And then I will hang up.
I guess given his previous efforts, I should be glad the small note is expletive-free. His speech is certainly not.
And I have decided that I will say something about that next time. If our boy is in the room, and he most likely will be, that sort of language is unacceptable.
Yes, that note has sat all-but undisturbed in my purse for months. I rarely have cause to trouble the note-holding compartments of my purse for I am someone not to be trusted with money in denominations greater than the rattling, gold or silver kind.
I have been reduced to shekels and may as well sport a Robin Hood-style pouch affixed to my belt (or indeed pop it on the end of a long stick I could jauntily carry on my shoulder) for the purpose of holding my jangling coinage, such is the rarity of my possession of any currency in note form.
I had cause to take that doctor’s note out over the weekend.
This is the month...the month I was waiting for my period to signal the date of day one. The cycle when we try again.
Well, it is day three right now and we are GO for launch Houston!
So I will call Wednesday and probably see the doctor just after Easter for an embryo transfer.
Holy shitting Easter eggs, Batman.
I am scared, but ready.
I feel an almost paralysing apprehension about this, but I know I have to get through it.
I try not to think about it too much, or indeed place too much weight on this first embryo transfer.
Of course, it would be wonderful if that one took, but I need to be mindful that it won’t. And I need to be prepared for that, because the disappointment this time, after everything that happened before, could cripple me.
Most days, I am not thinking about it, and just getting on with things.
But sometimes, it fills every fold of my brain.
I resolve to be ZEN about this. That’s Zero Encroachment of the Negative.
I figure if I write it down, I might just start believing it.