Thursday, May 20, 2010

Rwanda heterosexual

Still with me?
Still hanging in there, troops?

Today I would like to write about one of my pet peeves concerning technology.

Predictive text.

Did you know I was going to say that? Huh?

To me, it's presumptuous, arrogant, is often wrong and thinks it's smarter than me. Or, more American than me.
Well color me angry, that sort of attitude just will not fly!

My sister showed me a text she was writing last week. All she simply wanted to say was "you're here".

What did the wisdom of her predictive text automatically assume she was writing?

You Rwanda heterosexual.

What the hell is that about??

Please, please don't tell me it's yet more proof that damn Mugabe has his homophobic, domineering hooks in EVERYWHERE!

Extensive research (a three-second scan of Google search results) tells me predictive text is meant to allow common words to be entered at the press of one button as opposed to five, six or seven.

When you can explain to me why words like Rwanda and heterosexual are "common" and why you're and here are not, I will wipe egg from my face as I fall on my knees, cap in hand and tail between legs, apologetic for ever daring to heap criticism on predictive text.

It's one of those love-hate things, I guess.

Personally, I do not understand its purpose. Seems like a bunch of geeks developed a technology that does the opposite of its intended purpose, to save time. Instead, it forces way more button presses than necessary to correct the inevitable mistakes and is more trouble than it's worth.

What is the point if technology is not as smart or smarter than we are? Is the latter even possible? asked the arrogant human.

Whatever the answer, I am convinced there is a massive pile of money waiting to be made by the person who markets an ultra-basic mobile phone.

One with larger buttons that simply makes calls and texts. That is all.
You may be able to upgrade to a calendar, alarm clock, calculator or phone, but those features are not standard.

Think of the battery life - it could last for, like, weeks! Think of the sales!

All those oldies who are shit-scared of using phones and all those poor unfortunates who missed the IT boat (a sleek speedboat which, in my mind, looks like a giant commercial version of this:

I think it would go off. And I would buy the first one.

My Nokia phone apparently has 3G, some music player thing and Push To Talk. It has a camera, duh, something called Apps and something called Media. My point is that I only have use for, or ability to understand, about 20% of its actual features.

To be honest, and a warning this statement will cause audible groaning: I still cannot get my head around accessing the internet while NOT sitting in a building with a computer plugged into the wall.

There, I said it. I am in awe of, and will forever be intimidated by, wireless. I am so old school that if it doesn't have wires and 459 metres of black cables, I don't trust it.

That sort of thinking comes from decades of hooking up chunky old stereos with an impressive assortment of thick and thin black cables...attaching speakers, record players - remember them, etc. It comes from decades of connecting TVs to videos and DVD players with those tri-coloured cords that somehow never work first time even though a toddler could match those three colours without looking up from his Yogo.

Well it's time us tech-tards fought back with a new product range!
They shall have simple names, because they are for simple people.
So we will have The Phone. That's it. The Phone.
We may then have The Computer You Can Actually Take Places: Outdoor Places, The Portable Music Player That is Not The Enormous Boom Boxes You May Remember From The 80s or From Various Spike Lee Movies, and The Portable Organiser That is Not Named After a Fruit.

Screw you Apple, I am coming to get you!

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