There is a stack of books sitting on one of the tallboys in our bedroom.
There’s Kaz Cooke’s Up The Duff and that classic, What To Expect When You’re Expecting.
They have stayed there untouched and unnoticed since the awfulness of last September.
This week I have longed to creep up, take one in my hands and tenderly wipe the fuzzy film of dust from its cover.
I have really wanted to flick through the pages once again; I yearn to have been given cause to do so.
I almost did that last night, but then I checked myself, and told myself to be patient. To wait.
We are just over half-way through our two-week wait and I am longing for so much.
Of course, longing to be pregnant this time and longing for caffeine and red wine on these cold winter nights; but also longing for some feeling in my belly, screw how early it is.
The first four days after the transfer I felt sick, and then this Monday afternoon,
I went back to normal. I have felt fine and completely normal ever since.
And I don’t like it.
I wish to be nauseous, vomity and bone-weary tired, thank you very much. Stat!
I can’t remember if I felt anything during the last two-week wait. I don’t think I did, just worry and vulnerability.
They are certainly back again, but I wish I felt more. Alright I don’t expect baby kicks per se, but something would be nice.
Plus I am also still taking progesterone, so even though I might get abdominal tiny twinges, every time I pass them off as some weird effect of that stuff.
I am due for my period in the middle of next week, and we can do a test on the Thursday. I also wonder what effect the progesterone will have on my period, if it will delay it...so I am cautious not to think about getting to excited if my period doesn’t come.
During some moments in the day, I will temporarily forget the limbo we are in, and then it will flick back into the forefront of my mind.
When that happens, a little part of me is disappointed because I wish I was back in that blissfully-ignorant state from a few seconds before.
The problem is that we know the precise minute the embryo is implanted.
The problem is that we have been counting the hours and the days since...a practice that only makes them hitch a ride with the Torture Tortoise.
No alternative but to wait.