Seven days today

I went to Woolies the other day.

I don't know which day it was, as I can't seem to keep track of them lately.

As I left, I caught the faintest whiff of the same perfume the midwife wore during her epic 16-hour shift last week.

I didn't make it back to the car without crying.

Instantly that smell had taken me back to that day and I didn't want to be reminded.

Today was incredibly tough, I think because it has been exactly seven days.

I had the energy to have a shower and eat breakfast (sadly, I am not one of those depressed types who misses meals) before I just had to get back to bed.

Lately I feel like a smoggy black fog is hanging over me just about all the time.

I feel like I'm on the edge and really vulnerable and worried about what my emotions will make me do next. If a random woman's perfume is going to have me erupting into tears, how the hell am I going to go back to work next week.

I am really looking forward to the counsellor tomorrow. I am not sure if work would actually be a good thing, bigger picture-wise; or if in fact I am not ready.

I just don't feel stable. At all.

One minute I want to be alone because Jay's grizzling is driving me over the edge, and the next, I want him and T there on the bed with me, cuddling me endlessly.

I know it will get easier. I know it takes time.

I just wish I was there already.