Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Seven days today

I went to Woolies the other day.

I don't know which day it was, as I can't seem to keep track of them lately.

As I left, I caught the faintest whiff of the same perfume the midwife wore during her epic 16-hour shift last week.

I didn't make it back to the car without crying.

Instantly that smell had taken me back to that day and I didn't want to be reminded.

Today was incredibly tough, I think because it has been exactly seven days.

I had the energy to have a shower and eat breakfast (sadly, I am not one of those depressed types who misses meals) before I just had to get back to bed.

Lately I feel like a smoggy black fog is hanging over me just about all the time.

I feel like I'm on the edge and really vulnerable and worried about what my emotions will make me do next. If a random woman's perfume is going to have me erupting into tears, how the hell am I going to go back to work next week.

I am really looking forward to the counsellor tomorrow. I am not sure if work would actually be a good thing, bigger picture-wise; or if in fact I am not ready.

I just don't feel stable. At all.

One minute I want to be alone because Jay's grizzling is driving me over the edge, and the next, I want him and T there on the bed with me, cuddling me endlessly.

I know it will get easier. I know it takes time.

I just wish I was there already.

3 comments:

  1. early days yet. I'd be a bit worried if you were all better already. Not that you'll ever be "all better".
    You'll know if you're ready to go back to work. Could be a good distraction.... maybe.
    virtual hugs.. for all they're worth

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  2. It takes time, and if it doesn't then you're REALLY messed up. Give yourself time. Seeing a counsellor is SO smart - I know because I never did. ((HUGS))

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  3. Words elude me. They're funny things. You use them so so well to express this devastating time, and I hope they help you in some small way, but it is very hard for me to find some to offer to you. Please know that you are constantly on my mind. Constantly. xxxx

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